Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Mini Movie Reviews

Because I'm lazy.

Little Children

For the life of me, I can't remember why I wanted to watch this. Maybe because it has Jennifer Connelly, whom I worship. Basically, the point the writer seems to be making is that only children are decent people, and all adults are no good. He does this by making the pedophile the sympathetic character. Yes, that's right. He's painted as more of a human being than the adulterers, the kid killer, apparently even the controlling wife (Connelly), the married man who jerks off to a website pinup girl, etc. I watched the first hour or so, was really bored, and then finished it a few weeks later. The awful awful thing was how it ended, where everyone decides to stick with their families after, as far as I can tell, nothing significant happened to change their minds.

Then there's the narrator. I don't know if this is how it was done in the book, but the movie uses a narrator, and it completely interrupts the flow of the story. It's most useful purpose is to break up the constant bombardment of awful people, but that makes me wonder why it's in there at all, if the movie is supposed to be depressing. There's no way the book followed this chain of events.


I suppose it had to happen eventually. After what, 14 years, Pixar finally made a movie that I really didn't like. I can only explain it by saying that this movie just didn't have the same charm that so infests Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Monsters Inc. It utilizes the same principle of latching onto a simple but fulfilling theme, but for some reason it never got to me at all. Was it the characters? I can't remember the name of the old guy already, for instance. Or the kid. That never happens with a Pixar movie. Maybe getting a movie out per year finally caught up to them, and there just isn't enough time to really work on the story anymore. That this was the follow-up to Wall*E, my second favorite Pixar movie ever, boggles the mind. Next year is Toy Story 3...I'll cross my fingers.

Also, I saw it in 3-D, and I swear I couldn't tell you one scene where it made a difference. I think people just love Pixar and don't really have objective opinions on them anymore.

Star Trek

Enjoyable. Eric Bana was soooooooo lame. Keanu Reeves might have made a more interesting Romulan leader, in all seriousness. The other principals were fine, although it was weird seeing guys like John Cho and Zachary Quinto (omg it's Sylar! He's going to kill you all with MIND BULLETS!!!) doing such beloved roles. Simon Pegg was introduced far too late, for shame. I don't much of a critique on this one, actually. It was just cool.


This one is simple. Jim Caviezel (ya know, Jesus) is an alien who crashlands on Earth during the time of the Vikings. Ron Perlman is a Viking, and the guy who played his dad in Hellboy, ironically enough, is his enemy, also a Viking. They all fight this crazy space monster, who is the true hero of the movie because he's just getting revenge for the fact that Jesus' people wiped out the population of its home planet to make room for more people. You never heard of this movie in the theater, because it didn't last long. I'm sure there's a colorful story out there behind that, but it has the production value of a theater release and is relying on video sales/rentals/downloads to try and break even.

Basically, you have space marines, Vikings, monsters, blacksmiths making unbreakable weapons, a girl who is fairly hot, and some badass fights. Probably wails all over the new Transformers movie, in any case. It's a little goofy, but fun. Did I mention it has Vikings?

Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus

As utterly awesome as it sounds. When your movie stars Debbie Gibson (yes, that one) and Lorenzo Lamas (RENEGADE!), but really stars two exceedingly shoddy looking CGI sea monsters, you have gold. There is one real reason to watch this movie: where a passenger on a plane looks out the window, exclaims "Holy shit!" and then, along with assumedly every other passenger, gets owned by the Megalodon that jumped out of the Pacific Ocean to munch on the plane. Either the plane was flying 25 feet above sea level, or that shark has serious hops. It was probably wearing Air Jordans. For C monster movie material, you can't do much better.


  1. Disney, and subsequently Pixar, seem to really be pushing the "Digital 3D experience." Every movie preview they showed prior to Up seemed to have 3D slapped onto it, and as you said, Up did not really have any 3D effects to it. It simply added some depth to the scenes...big whoop. And I imagine all the other movies Disney and Pixar release with Digital 3D will be the same. It just seems very pointless, gimmicky, and totally not worth the extra $3 the theater charged.

  2. Honestly - I liked Little Children. I remember seeing the trailer and it had me hooked. Go back and watch it QuickTime when you can...

    It's a great trailer...lemme know if you agree!